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Conservative
A conservative is someone who is SANE. Conservatives know that what we need is smaller government, except for military spending which should be as high as possible. The conservative philosophy is hard to pin down because conservatives are independents who have varied opinions, however the Wings Theory shows that conservativism is kind of like an "X" in the middle of a treasure map and everything that deviates away from the X is liberalism. (There is a treasure known as sanity buried at the X.) These things are true X or no X: Men tend to be conservatives while girly men tend to be liberals; right is conservative and wrong is liberal; God is conservative and Satan is liberal. Origin God invented conservatism in the year 1776 B.C. in order to form a more perfect union. Knowing that humanity was headed for apocalypse once the beast with seven eyes and seven horns opened the seventh seal, God figured the only way he could save us without affecting free will was to teach us to oppose everything that the archangel Satan wanted AKA liberalism. Taxonomy Say NO to taxes. The conservative is a member of the "Hetero Sapiens" kingdom and is known for being a strong guy with a hard spine, bulging biceps and sublime buttocks. The size of his brain is surpassed only by the size of his genitals. Instead of just mimicking the cable news networks on the idiot box, the conservative was born with the ability to think for himself, and therefore after FOX News reports WE decide to agree. A conservative also exhibits no fear unlike a liberal who runs from the sight of his own shadow. Categorically conservatives are the very definition of STRAIGHT red blooded American MEN. (We are NOT gay). Hobbies Conservatives are independent and there hobbies vary from person to person, however not really all that much. My hobbies include venting my rage about "Hopey McChangey" Obama on internet messageboards, showing off my impressive barbed wire and tribal armband ink, washing and polishing my Thunderbird, and watching Spike TV. I enjoy getting on chicks for a little boom boom (I am STRAIGHT) and then ignoring them afterwards. I like to go get some nightcrawlers and go fishing when I can, and when the season is right I love to hunt. Like maverick Sarah Palin I know there is nothing better then hunting wolverines (wolf cubs) or even fully grown wolfs. Ban everything that makes it hard for me to do that. Beliefs Conservative beliefs are all common sense. Abortion Conservatives are pro-life. Death penalty Conservatives support the death penalty. We need to have a deterrant so that when a psycho lops off youre head there will be punishment. Make no mistake, the average criminal is NOT a nice man and we would be better off without them. I dont care how many arguments are made by some ivory tower professor, execution is NOT inhumane or unconstitutional and its the best way to get the job done. Drugs Drugs are dangerous and need to be banned. Marijuana is a gateway drug and also needs to be banned. I dont care if you think this isnt a conservative position because I say it is and I am smart. Education We need to ban sheeple from putting out books that endorse THERE view of history, science, spelling, etc. and instead fill the classrooms with books that WE agree with. There shouldnt even be public schools anyway, instead lets just have homescholing and let are children have vouchers to go to magnet or private schools. Foreign policy All other countries suck and are expendable except for Isreal. Isreal is are greatest ally, and we must support her right to defend herself. That means Isreal can do anything it wants because this is THERE land as promised by God in Exodus. If you disagree then you are an anti-semite and you want to kill every Jew. Believe me, it makes complete sense. Gays Look I do NOT want my son spotting two gay guys making out in the street, thats disgusting. I dont care whether your gay or not, just keep it private. Also dont be married or adopt any kids. And dont ever talk about it but also dont try to hide it. Healthcare We are tired of Obama trying to take over under cloak and dagger and healthcare is just a means of doing so. Personally I dont care if more people will be able to be covered because it isnt my fault your kid cant afford treatment for some disease they got because they inhereited your bad gene. Gray hairs bother me but I dont make you pay for my Just for Men hair coloring. Religion Im all for religion as long as its the right religion. We were founded as a Christian nation, that means that we dont need that muslim bishop building mosques so those terrorists can worship Shiva or whatever. Thats NOT what was meant by freedom of religion. How about just admitting you cant really have an opinion on the Ground Zero mosque until youve been through the kind of suffering that the people who lost loved ones at Ground Zero have. Ok? Right to bear arms Conservatives realize the only part of the Constitution that really matters is the right to bear arms. The Founding Fathers intended for us to be able to have guns, grenades, armor piercing bullets, cannonballs, rogue missiles, nukes, and chemical weapons. We are NOT going to let Obamas stormtroopers come and take them away from us. Dont forget thats how the Holocaust started. Science Science is mostly made up. Yes there was some dinosaur on Earth but they only existed 5000 years ago, along with the wooly mammoth, sabertooth tiger and cavemen, who were all descendants of Adam. Evolution is obviously fake and was just a creation myth made up by the dastardly Charles Darwin in order to spread the liberal agenda and warp atheist minds even further. Global warming meanwhile doesnt even make sense like will the sun fire bolts of lightning to melt the polar ice caps if we keep burning carbon dioxide or something? I just dont get it. War We support the surge in Iraq and even though Afghanistan is a war of Obamas choosing we support that war too because we need to get rid of Al'Queda and the Caliban. We also support a war with Iran, and actually we just support war in general. Please lets have more war. Lockeed needs a new pair of shoes. Future The conservative is projected to become an indanger species soon if we dont start standing up to liberals. Under Obama these maggots have finally taken the final step to remove us from the game. Bit by bit piece by piece are country is changeling and things are spiralling out of control, and it scares me. We may soon even be annexed into the United Nations and a one world government where the form of currency is the Amero. However instead of getting bogged down in strife, conservatives missed equality so much we decided to fight back by forming the grass roots movement known as the Tea Party with the funding of Republican leadership. Together we have caused a domino effect and are sweeping across the nation like a juggernaut. We independents will insure that never agains will the Republicans suffer a political loss. U.S.A. used to stand for something and now it will again, thanks to us, the greatest heroes in the history of America. Heroes The heroes of the conservative movement are biblical figures (God, Jesus, Joseph), the Founding Fathers (Washington, Jefferson, Reagan), PACs, the Chamber of Commerce, FOX News, the troops, and Sarah Palin. She is literally our White Queen and I would rather no other lady mastermind the direction this country should be headed in. She will dazzle Republican voters with her intelligence and charm and easily win the nomination in 2012 before going on to beat Obama